Dreams

Talk about misperceptions, misunderstandings and mistaken identities! For the longest time I have looked at you and thought I knew you, I have felt plagued by you, when I found myself struggling in the wee hours of the morning, resisting and fighting you in the form of a nightmare… I found myself dreading the dreams that caused me to wake up to a scream and a shudder, breaking out in beads of cold sweat to lie awake, avoiding sleeping further just incase they came back. In this state I would curse and hope that the experience would not repeat itself, which inevitably did.

I have looked at dreams through eyes that are veiled with memories of human nature’s imperfections, and thought that what I saw in my dreams was indeed the truth. How wrong I have been, how mistaken and misguided my eyes have been, for what I thought I knew, I actually did not. The dreams I knew were those that were born in my head, in the realm of the mind, in the troubled spaces within me. So, one day, I decided to look at You differently, to take off my guilt and shame shaded lenses for a closer inspection, to close my eyes and look at you without seeing. To feel you. I decided to go inside where a different idea of you lived, to look inside my heart. In this place, I discovered that all along I have not known the real you. The nightmares that have been masquerading as you, were residual thoughts of all the hurts and pain from life’s journey, but they were not you.

I decided to lay down my weapons for fighting you and risk approaching you with nothing in my hand and nothing in my head.I decided to make myself vulnerable to you, and in this I found the real you. I found the dreams that grow and bloom in the seat of my soul, those which flower at a sight of beauty. I found the dreams that are wrapped in hope and promise, I found the dream that did not shout at me, but sang me a love song, I found the dreams that I had suffocated in an attempt to kill you inorder to allow the imposter to live.

I have  found the truth in my dreams, of my hopes and my greatest desires. I witnessed the transformation of the grotesque to the sublime, beheld a kaleidoscope of colours, a profusion of wonderful choices and the end to the illusion of the nightmare. To discover all this, I had to die first… Again in dying I found a new birth, a brand new view to embrace.

Where there was fear, I found love, Instead of dread, I found promisethis was the day I started looking in my heart to find you, the door to my head slowly closed. A new pair of eyes began to awaken. It was at this point that I realised that all along I had been wrong about you, mistaken you for something else, and for this, I offer my humble apologies. I now open my heart for you to grow, open the doors for you to blossom and trust that one day, as you live in me, I will find the courage to let you live through me. In truth, I am ready to live ‘the dream’

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FEAR…


You remind me of the unwelcome guest at a banquet, who never misses an opportunity to intrude.

You are the eternal opportunist waiting for your moment to sneak in at any possible moment, you lie waiting for the window of opportunity to open up so you can bring in your unbearable poison.

Your nature is such that everything you touch turns from gold to ashes, Your acidic, putrid, and foul smell assaults the nostrils and lungs of those who breathe you in, filling the spaces you invade with your presence.

your darkness envelopes me in a suffocating clutch that immobilizes my every muscle, causing me to toss and turn, slip and slide to no avail.

You are the dark ominous cloud that looms upon me, reminding me of your presence.

When you rear your nasty head, my heart beats faster than the speed of light, my palms sweat with the sweat of a thousand runners, my mouth dries up like the open fields of the Karoo, You transform my dreams into nightmares, you cloud my judgment, blind me with your dark cloak, and assault my ears with the loudness of your voice. Yet, your very name spells False Expectations Appearing Real, for you are not.

Your strength is in my imagined weakness,

Your presence depends on the absence of my presence

Your darkness cannot survive in the light,

Your grip is loosened by my fluidity and flow of my essence

You cower at my piercing attention

You fade in the colourfulness of the beauty of life

You die at the powerful hand of surrender,

The saving grace of the beautiful silence that exist at the core of my being, in the stillness of my inner space, incapacitates you

As long as I live in love, you die.

As long as I trust in truth, you die.

As long as I embrace my power, you die

As long as I yield AND surrender, you die

As long as I am, You are rendered powerless.

AND by the way, You are no longer welcome at my table!


Be that as it may Fear, I must say that your existence is not entirely without purpose,

In your grip, I learn to yield and surrender,

In your eternal darkness, I find my eternal light

In dying to you, I am reborn

In your persistence, I have learned acceptance

Without you, I might forget

YOU remind me to look within,

To find the silence and focus on it

You give me the opportunity to do my healing,

Beyond you lies the possibilities, in you I access my courage

You propel me forward in my journey of learning,

And because of you I dwell in Freedom.

Epiphanies

INNER SENSE…

Why that?

After some time of hitting and missing in many of my life situations I eventually came to the realization that I need, and have to make sense of my so-called- life experiences. I thought that perhaps writing things down would bring me a kind of clarity. I was right and I was also not so much, for, the process of gaining Clarity, to me, seems like a long one, it is not an instant Epiphany ‘out of the blue’ that just happens. It has, in my case involved so much of digging up of old stories i have left untold, old mess that was left uncleaned and old memories I would rather have forgotten. It forced every thing into the cold light of day and as I have been prodding, examining, and scrutinizing some of these relics, I have slowly but surely come to a few home truths for myself.

I can’t quite even begin to tell all of these truths right here, all I can say is, TODAY, I had two ‘moments of truth’, the first hit me as I was busy updating my status on twitter, when all of a sudden Bham!! from nowhere it hit me… ‘I know nothing’ I know nothing about that which is new to me, and there is no shame in that. Often times, we put ourselves under so much pressure by expecting to know everything without actually going through all the motions. Today it occurred to me, it came to me as clear as day, that if I want to liberate myself from Self inflicted nonsense, perhaps I could begin by admitting when I don’t know, AND THEN follow up by being open to learning through any and every way possible, mistakes included.

The second epiphany came when AGAIN it hit me, ‘wait a minute’ I think I have figured out how trials become lessons’ THIS I tell you, has been the bane of my existence, whenever ish hit the fan, I would sit and mull over the situation, trying to analyze, asking far too many questions and come up with no satisfactory answer. Why me? If only! The list is endless. If somebody bullied me or took me for granted, instead of seeing that she was a messenger and teacher to teach me how to stand up for myself and to not allow to be trampled over, I would see the lesson as, YOU CAN’T TRUST PEOPLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My goodness! How did I reach this particular conclusion? I don’t know. But let me tell you this, I am so very pleased that I have finally connected the dots for myself and have found the meaning of lessons and challenges in my life. It is quite an initiation!!!!!!!!!!

It makes you rethink all the ‘curses’ calamities, and ‘catastrophes, and consider that perhaps there are other names to call these very same experiences. If you ask for strength, you get a challenge with legs and a tail, but don’t let the appearance fool you, IT IS STILL THE ROAD TO GAINING YOUR STRENGTH.

Living your passion! What does it mean?

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking around this topic or idea, and I must say it hasn’t been easy to figure out, however, I think what ever it means, it requires that one be brutally honest with one’s self about a lot of things. I think this is the difficult part of the process, not so much the living the dream or passion aspect.

Why is it sometimes ( often times) so difficult to admit things to self, to lay your self bare and air everything?

My take is, based on my life experience, it is because of non forgiveness.

Non forgiveness is a heavy load to carry. I think it has taken me quite a long time to understand the point of it, for most of my life, I have walked my journey with the heaviest burdens caused by not being able, or willing to forgive.

I have held on to an unbelievable amount of pain, thinking that it is not hurting me , trying to get some self preservation, all along it did not occur to me that I was not allowing any wounds to heal, I had just been accumulating more and more each day.

Grudges! Now there is something I have misunderstood in my life, I have watched people, experiences cause havoc to my world, and not even recovering from the experiences, I have merely held on to the hate and anger that I have had toward the perpetrator of my misadventures and misfortunes. Oh the blame!!!!!!!!!! The never ending finger pointing that has been the dominant phenomenon of my so-called life, Why didn’t anyone tell me that blame is away from taking responsibility, it is giving away your power and moving you further and further away from any sort of freedom.

I thought that because so and so did this and that to me, I had every right to be mad, to point the finger and not to clean up the mess.

After all the tears, the hurt, the pain, I am finding my way to a less heavy approach to challenges, I only now am thankfully, realising that there is indeed ‘method in the madness’ and that every challenge has an opportunity and a gift. Every challenge provides a chance to heal and reclaim a part of yourself that you thought was lost for good.

After all this time, I am learning that no experience is a waste, that every moment that I have lived is part of the bigger picture of my life.

I have learnt that forgiveness is the way to freedom from old hurts and pain, freedom from guilt and shame, freedom to live your passion every moment, a chance to experience your self fully.

I am ready and willing to forgive.

I am willing to forgive myself for all the dreams I have dreamed and squashed, for all the hopes that have been dashed away, for all the tears I have left unshed, for every step I have refused to take and for never giving myself enough love, enough trust, enough chances to try and fail, for I have been afraid to fail, not knowing that being afraid to fail is tantamount to being afraid to learn.

We learn from our ‘mistakes’ and turn those ‘mistakes’ to stepping stones.

I forgive myself for holding on to notions of fear and beliefs about me and the world that have been flawed through and through, I forgive myself for thinking and wishing that I were someone else and somewhere else.

I forgive myself for not accepting my life, my circumstances, often times, my reality. I forgive myself for not hugging me and telling myself that I am beautiful, I am worthy and that I am a vital piece of life’s puzzle.

I Forgive myself for believing that to forgiven you have to be deserving.

I have learnt along the way to practice forgiveness towards those I have judged as having wronged me in any way. I forgive myself for believing that there are things that are unforgivable. I forgive my past, I forgive my future.

I welcome a new way of being, a new approach to every challenge. I welcome a new quality of life, where I add value to every single moment.

I am good and ready, good and ready to start ‘living the dream’ ‘Living my passion’

Living my truth and finding my way forward.

I honour my life with acceptance.

I honour my life with honesty.

I honour my self with surrender

I honour my self with forgiveness.

I honour my self with gratitude.

I am ready to embark on the journey, the voyage, the expedition, of ‘living my dream and passion’