Talk about misperceptions, misunderstandings and mistaken identities! For the longest time I have looked at you and thought I knew you, I have felt plagued by you, when I found myself struggling in the wee hours of the morning, resisting and fighting you in the form of a nightmare… I found myself dreading the dreams that caused me to wake up to a scream and a shudder, breaking out in beads of cold sweat to lie awake, avoiding sleeping further just incase they came back. In this state I would curse and hope that the experience would not repeat itself, which inevitably did.
I have looked at dreams through eyes that are veiled with memories of human nature’s imperfections, and thought that what I saw in my dreams was indeed the truth. How wrong I have been, how mistaken and misguided my eyes have been, for what I thought I knew, I actually did not. The dreams I knew were those that were born in my head, in the realm of the mind, in the troubled spaces within me. So, one day, I decided to look at You differently, to take off my guilt and shame shaded lenses for a closer inspection, to close my eyes and look at you without seeing. To feel you. I decided to go inside where a different idea of you lived, to look inside my heart. In this place, I discovered that all along I have not known the real you. The nightmares that have been masquerading as you, were residual thoughts of all the hurts and pain from life’s journey, but they were not you.
I decided to lay down my weapons for fighting you and risk approaching you with nothing in my hand and nothing in my head.I decided to make myself vulnerable to you, and in this I found the real you. I found the dreams that grow and bloom in the seat of my soul, those which flower at a sight of beauty. I found the dreams that are wrapped in hope and promise, I found the dream that did not shout at me, but sang me a love song, I found the dreams that I had suffocated in an attempt to kill you inorder to allow the imposter to live.
I have found the truth in my dreams, of my hopes and my greatest desires. I witnessed the transformation of the grotesque to the sublime, beheld a kaleidoscope of colours, a profusion of wonderful choices and the end to the illusion of the nightmare. To discover all this, I had to die first… Again in dying I found a new birth, a brand new view to embrace.
Where there was fear, I found love, Instead of dread, I found promisethis was the day I started looking in my heart to find you, the door to my head slowly closed. A new pair of eyes began to awaken. It was at this point that I realised that all along I had been wrong about you, mistaken you for something else, and for this, I offer my humble apologies. I now open my heart for you to grow, open the doors for you to blossom and trust that one day, as you live in me, I will find the courage to let you live through me. In truth, I am ready to live ‘the dream’